#too bad we got'em check it out

[winchesticles67]

@namenotimportant2

this is the episode i can recite. clearly, you can see why i like this one so much.

bad blood is one hell of an episode. it literally opens with mulder straight-up murdering a regular teenager via stake-through-the-heart and he and scully are like pretty sure the FBI is going to be sued and they're going to be doing some serious jail time. except both of them remember the story differently. scully's story is predictably logical and straight-forward. the killer was drugging his victims before bleeding them out, mimicking a vampire attack by wearing fake fangs (which are proven to be fake. this is crucial. this kid was wearing plastic fangs when mulder stabbed him. in the chest. with a wooden stake.) what is also crucial is that mulder was a victim of this murderer's attack and so he was tripping hard when scully intercepts the killer. mulder - whilst tripping balls - is convinced that the killer has glowing eyes and flew across the room before running out the door. and so - whilst tripping balls - he gives chase and ends up stabbing the kid through the heart with a wooden stake.

and of course this is the x files and so while scully and mulder are arguing over who gave who the hardest time in their percieved series of events, it turns out that mulder was right. the kid was a vampire and the stake didn't actually kill him. the fangs were fake because he was copying the sorts of vampires that you see in books and on tv. he was a real vampire.

and it's not just the kid. there are bunches of vampires, including the sheriff. the whole town are just. vampires. the lot of 'em. and the second they're found out, they just up and leave without a trace.

sometimes the extent to which mulder turns out to be right in this show is borderline ludicrous, it's amazing, I love it. but what was even better was that the biggest point of contention between scully and mulder's stories wasn't even the vampire thing, it was whether or not the sheriff was actually hot.

[abbi-normals-brain]

A Credible Threat

An interview between a human from Australia, and a highly credulous alien tasked with cataloging and rating potential threats and hazards throughout the galaxy. Derived loosely from a recent writing prompt I saw lurking Reddit. I don't post there, so here it is.

"We had a war with them, you know."

The human puts the "cigarette" to his mouth again. The smoke activates the extractors, which are calibrated to remove all toxins from the atmousphere almost as soon as they appear.  You scroll through your notes with one tentacle, looking for a mention of whom he's referring to.

"A war? With the...the large criminal faction typically referred to as 'The English', I presume? I understand your people were exiled from--"

The human interupts you with a harsh laugh, like the sounds made by the dogs you'd unsuccessfully tried to interview earlier in this experiment. You make a note to re-open the issue of whether these sounds may  constitute a spoken language after all.

"A 'criminal faction'! Ha, that's a good one! But Nah, mate. I didn't mean England. I mean the damn emus."

"...emus?"

"Emus." Ash falls from the glowing tip, and you nervously check your notes. Who let him have that thing? It must constitute some kind of hazard rating. The preliminary analysis from the lab decribes the item as 'a thin tube of bleached fibrous material containing dried plant matter of the Earth genus Nicotiana which has typically been impregnated with preservatives and other compounds. Nicotiana is very toxic in large enough doses, and alters neurochemical makeup with consistant exposure, but it is vanishingly difficult to expose oneself to these conditions unintentionally, particularly in a well-ventilated space. One end is hot when in use, but the items were judged largely harmless and placed in the lowest threat category.' Hm. Fine. Doesn't seem right, but the lab technicians generally know what they're doing.

"Expand on this, please."

"They're bloody emus! What else is there to say?! You mean to tell me you guys went cruising around in your little UFO grabbing up randos from all over Australia--"

"We  actually took samples from an evenly distributes pattern of points across the surface of your world."

"And NONE of them told you about emus?!"

"No."

The human snorted and shakes his head. You enter a few notes, waiting for him to continue, and when he doesn't, you do.

"You are the first subject to mention them. Frankly, the first to mention war with an non-human animal at all, and I can't say I'm not suspicious of your claims."

"Suspicious? Mate, it's just how the place is. First thing people think of when they think of Australia."

"The Galactic Travel Guide is familiar with many of Earth's most dangerous predators outside of yourselves. We've heard about the lions. We've heard about the hippos, and how they're actually much more dangerous than the lions. We've heard quite a lot about the moose. We've even heard of your screaming, spitting black and white geese. We've even heard of the small population of flightless dragons with necrotic saliva.  But the idea of creatures such as these attempting to make war on the dominant sapients of the planet--"

"It was a little more than an attempt, mate," the human muttered.

"You don't mean to suggest--"

"Yeah. Yeah, they won."

"..."

"Twice."

"Is it something about your treatment aboard ship that makes you so obstructionist in these interviews? You know that if you simply answer our questions about the hazards your species navigate on your planet, we will return you to your home. Most of our other samples have completed this task, been mindwiped of the experience, and returned to their normal lives."

"Nah, the food's great. The room's comfortable. I'm not 'obstructionist'. I'm just tellin' you what's out there."

"And what else is there?"

"Kangaroos."

"Go on."

"Long tail. They can stand on it a little. Hops along on its back feet as fast as a car, but can't move backwards. Massive, vicious sharp claws too. Tall as a man, almost, and punches like a freight train. And they breed pretty fast, enough they're pests in some parts."

"Pests as in, an animal populous enough to cause damage to human settlements?"

"Yeah, they put up special fences in some places to keep them out."

"Fortifications?! Just for these creatures?!"

"We also got'em for crocodiles."

"We've heard of them before, from a subject in..." you check your notes, "Egypt."

"Ours are bigger. And meaner. World famous for it, really."

"So you say."

"And I bet that guy didn't tell you the kicker about crocodiles. If you're looking for a threat rating, well... See, they just...keep growing. Most of them come in at an average size, but sometimes there's one....as long as they have enough food to support themselves, they literally never stop growing, AND they don't age like you and m--well, like me. So they could hypothetically get to be older than dirt and bigger than a bus if you fed 'em enough."

"Right. Moving on. Setting aside macrofauna, how would you describe the toxicology profile of your land? Insects, plant and fungal life, etc?"

"Extensive! World famous for that too!"

"Of course you are."

"It's not all bad. Some of our animals carry their babies inside--"

"Yes, we're aware of the ordeal that is mammallian reproduction and would thank you not to bring it up."

"No no, the marsupials. Like the kangaroos. The babies are born as just this tiny fetus that crawls by itself into its mother's pocket until its got hair and stuff."

"So now you're saying the kangaroos wear clothes?"

"No, the pocket is in the skin."

"For Glob's sake, if you think I'm such a fool that I'd enter this in the GTG databases--which 100's of bargillions of S'zezdars rely on for their very lives as they attempt to avoid the many deadly threats in the galaxy--"

"Can't be that deadly out there, if you're this scared of kangaroos."

The thick mane of barbed spines down your back rattled against each other as they rose up straight--"like a porcupine" a different human subject had said. You were starting to lose patience.

"Human." you said with a measured firmness that made the human pause and look warily at you, shifting eye contact between your various ocular organs as they bulged, pulsing with pale yellow light. "What the GTG does may seem silly to you, or pedantic, or useless. To be quite frank, this is because you as a species live on a tiny ball of spittle and haven't even been to the bottoms of your own oceans yet. Out here, in the vastness of all space, where the species like us who have earned the privilege, this is a literal matter of life and death. Living, thinking, sapient being in numbers that your species literally can't comprehend depend on accurate up to date information on the unimaginable array of threats that await them off-world."

"Mate, I'm sorry, I'm really not here to condescend. I'm actually trying to help you."

With a conscious effort, you pull your spines back down into a relaxed position. They make a single simultaneous clacking sound, like an old mechanical lockbox.

"Then please give my work the gravity it deserves."

The human put the "cigarette" in his mouth again, and exhaled thoughtfully., giving you a curious look.

"...so, uh. I take that means you don't wanna hear about the platypus?" You're about done with this subject. He's been holding up the experimental process for days. His claims get more and more outlandish and obtuse with each interview. Clearly you're not going to get accurate information about this subject's natural environment from the subject himself. An away mission will be necessary to verify details first hand.

Your tentacles flex and curl nervously. But what if what he said was true, or at least had a grain of truth to it? You consider it for a moment and discard the idea. If the location were really that dangerous, they would be downplaying it to exaggerate their own power over such a hostile environment. Clearly they're doing the opposite, trying to exaggerate the danger. Or more likely, fabricate dangers completely. He must know the land has no natural defenses and doesn't want to be overrun by hostile Galactic faction. Or maybe they just want adventure tourist dollars--this is for a travel guide after all. You decide in an instant that you're calling his bluff here and now. 

Either way, this subject is being ejected from the study post-haste. You release the thin panel of a screen you'd been taking notes on, and grasp the microphone of the voice COM in your desk firmly among your suckers.

"Guard." you say flatly. A heavily armed and armoured S'zezdar slithers into the room immediately. "Take this one for mindwiping and send him home. We're going to have to check out the local flora and fauna on the surface ourselves." You distantly worried about the tongues-lashing your supervisor would give you about it, and about how you handled this subject in general, but getting out on an away mission again would be worth it.

The guard looked surprised.

"Without even a preliminary threat rating for the area?"

"Don't worry. I'm expecting no problems at all."

The guard grabbed the human by one of his upper appendages. The other appendage crushed the synthetic foam filter of his "cigarette" device into the table. The human didn't resist as the guard pulled him up out of the chair. Instead, the human stretched out its mouth. Sideways. You almost feel like it could reach his ears if he tried. You've seen no record of this facial expression in humans. You don't like it. It shows too many teeth.

"A'right, bye then, mate. Good talkin' to ya..." The human... (you cast about for the word for a moment) laughs. As the guard drags him to the medical bay, he calls back once more over his shoulder.

"Good luck with the emus!"

[majesty-madness]

Kakashi’s Family: Book 2 (Kakashi’s fate)

15-Too Close For Comfort

(There is going to be more switches than usual between characters in this particular chapter. Just as a future reference.)

Total chaos. That's how the current situation could be described as. The Leaf village had been attacked, they had foreseen this but not so soon. They thought...He thought they had more time. Now it was time to make up for that mistake.

The hokage had ordered the presence of a group of certain capable ninja. Ones that highly excelled at what they did and were particularly close with a certain missing silver haired shinobi.

A young man with a bowl haircut, a woman with long brown hair and red eyes, and a dark haired man with a toothpick hanging at the end of his mouth.

"I must inform you that I find the events that have taken place today regrettable. I thought we would have had more time to prepare for this but I was wrong." Hiruzen admitted somberly. "However, now is not the time to focus on the past. Right now we need to focus on finding Kana and Kakashi."

"Wait, what's happened to Kana and Kakashi?" Gai chipped in.

The hokage sighed, "Unfortunately, Kana was taken by the one that orchestrated the attack on the village. And I had sent Kakashi on another mission early this morning, to find this man and stop this from happening but since the village was destroyed, it means that Kakashi did not succeed in his mission."

Kurenai gasped eyes widened, just like her other two comrades. "Does that mean they've been killed?!" Asuma asked in disbelief.

"It is a possibility, however I still believe Kakashi and Kana are out there so I'm sending you out on a rescue mission. To save your comrades." Hiruzen affirmed. His words causing a rush of determination and hope to erupt within the three young shinobi. If the hokage believed that Kakashi and Kana were still alive then they could believe it too.

________

That bastard took Kana away from him. He took her away and there was nothing Kakashi could do except sit back and watch his love being dragged from his invisible grip. The love of his life was going to die, and he was sure that they wouldn't keep him around forever. It was hopeless. Nothing could be done. Waiting was the only thing now.

"What if something happens to me?"

Her voice echoed in his mind.

"What if I don't make it?"

It was almost like the words were haunting him. Haunting him of his failure.

"I'm just scared." She cried.

He could never keep his promises.

"I don't want to lose you either or our child, all I want is to make you happy and to have a family with you but I'm so scared that I won't get that chance."

He was a failure. He would always be a failure.

"I love you so much, Kakashi."

Kakashi lifted his head up. "What the hell I am doing?" He muttered to himself.

No, now was not the time to feel sorry himself. Now was NOT the time to give up. Now was the time to stand up and protect his loved ones with every fiber of his being. To give everything he had to save them. To save her.

He had to get Kana back, he just had to.

The silver haired ninja looked all over the room to find something to escape when his lone eye quickly landed on the table full of knives. There it was.

Kakashi mustered what strength and inch by inch, scooted himself towards the wooden table. It seemed like an eternity before he was just in arm's reach of the table.

Reaching the table with his arms was an impossibility considering that they were tied behind him so the next best thing was using his legs. He extended his left leg and kicked the table over causing it to tumble to the cold ground on it's side.

Good. Now all the tools were scattered onto the floor. The next thing was getting ahold of one of them.

Kakashi grunted as he awkwardly turned his chair around so that his back was facing the sharp objects, then he shifted all his weight to one side of the chair and harshly landed on his side. It was getting a little more difficult now.

One knife, just one knife and he would be free. Kakashi extended his hands as far behind him as he could with the tied together and felt around for a knife. He felt nothing for several seconds.

"Come on." Kakashi gritted his teeth in frustration. He needed to hurry.

Suddenly, Kakashi felt the cold metal of something sharp and let an a heavy exhale as relief washed over him. He took the knife into his hand and turned it towards himself, then he leaned the ridged blade against the uncomfortably tight ropes and began to cut through them.

It took a minute or two but he finally managed to get his wrists free from the bindings. He swiftly stood up, careful not to make too much more noise than he already had. The shinobi walked over to the wooden door, the knife he just used gripped tightly in his hand, and he stepped out into the vacant hallway.

From what Kakashi could tell, nobody was standing guard here so he continued down the corridor.

________

"Gai?"

"KILL THEM!" Ketsu ordered pointing at the group of invading ninja.

Kurenai reached into her pouch and threw another smoke bomb. The layers of smoke blocked anything from being seen which meant that they would be nearly invisible.

Kana moved her gaze in spastic intervals between where Gai's last know position was and...anywhere else really. Everything was moving so fast, she wasn't sure what to hold her attention to.

A hand then reached over and covered her mouth. Kana let out a squeal thinking she was in even more danger.

"Shhh!" A familiar voice said. Kana looked over to see Kurenai. She immediately relaxed or as much as she could.

Kurenai removed her hand. "Don't worry, we're gonna get you out of here." The brown haired ninja reassured, removing the straps that held Kana captive.

"I-I can't believe you guys are h-here. W-where...h-how.." Kana stuttered while her mind attempted to wrap around all that was happening.

Kurenai removed the strap. "I'll tell you later but right now we've got to get you out of here." She finished, reaching out to help Kana.

"Kurenai, watch out!" Kana yelled.

Kurenai turned to see a man swinging his katana down just about to make contact with her flesh when Asuma jumped in with his specially designed blades to block the attack. "Go Kurenai! I got'em!"

"Good looking out!" Kurenai said then turning to Kana, "Let's go." She picked Kana up and dashed out the exit.

Asuma deflected that man's attack somewhere else and landed a roundhouse kick to the man's face, sending him flying. "Come on, Gai! Let's get out of here!" Asuma shouted as he followed in Kurenai's footsteps.

"Right!" Gai replied, heading in Asuma's direction.

Kurenai continued to run down the long hallway until she reached another pathed and turned into the corner, to wait for Gai and Asuma.

"Okay, looks like we're good for now but we have to-" Kurenai stopped as she noticed Kana grimacing in pain. "Kana? What's wrong?"

Kana settled her hands on her stomach, "The baby's' coming." Was she could manage as Kurenai stared in shock.

"Really?! Holy crap"

Then Gai and Asuma turned into the corner to see Kurenai crouched next to Kana.

"What's wrong? She alright?" Asuma asked, short breaths slipping in and out of his lungs.

"She's in labor." Kurenai said in anxiously lacing her voice.

Gai gasped, "Holy crap! Kana's having a baby!"

"Keep it down, Gai! Do you want to get us killed?!" Asuma scolded in a failed attempt to whisper.

"We've gotta get out of here before it's too late." Kurenai suggested as she started to pick up Kana.

"No! Not...yet." Kana objected with a gasp in between her sentence as a sharp pain shot through her body. As if the pain from the poison wasn't enough, she was about to have a baby!

"But Kana it's too dangerous to stay. You are about to have a baby!" Kurenai tried to convince, Kana shook her head.

"No! We can't leave yet! Kakashi's still here. We have to get him. Please! I'm not leaving without him!" Kana begged as tears rolled down her cheeks again.

Gai nodded. "She's right. We can't leave him, that was this mission was for. To save Kana and Kakashi."

Kurenai and Asuma nodded in agreement. Saving Kana and Kakashi was all that mattered.

________

Kakashi sneaked down the corridor as to not be noticed. Getting caught was not an option. There was only silence, until he heard faint voices talking amongst themselves.

He readied his knife and peered around the corner. Much to his surprise, it wasn't who he thought it might be instead it was Gai, Asuma, Kurenai, and...

"Kana?" He whispered as if the word was too sacred to speak.

His voice had drawn everyone's attention to him. It was easy to tell that his friends were clearly surprised yet happy to see him but Kana...he could feel her love she felt for him from where he was standing. It was joyfully overwhelming.

"Kakashi..." Kana uttered, her voice weak from exhaustion with added pain.

He rushed to her side, coddling the back of her head in his hand as he brought it to his shoulder and his other arm came to rest on her bump. "Oh Kana..."

"Kakashi...Kakashi..." Kana repeated like his name itself was precious.

Kakashi pulled away, planting a gentle to her forehead. "I'm here, I'm here."

"I was...so...scared." Kana said, pain quite palpable in the way she spoke.

"I know, I know. I'm sorry." He embraced her again before asking, "Are you alright? Are you injured?"

"I checked. She doesn't appear to be injured but she's in labor." Kurenai quickly chimed in.

Kakashi raised his head in shock at Kurenai statement, "Are you sure?"

Kurenai nodded, "She told me so herself."

"Wait!" Kana moaned out as another sharp pain hit her. "That's...not all. Before you all arrived...t-they...injected me with...s-some kind of...poison. I-it...hu-urts so much." She explained, trying her best to hold in her desire to scream out.

"This is bad." Asuma cringed at the mention of poison.

"Let's hurry. Those guys won't stay down forever." Gai suggested.

Kurenai looked to Gai then nodded. "Right. Come on. Kakashi? Can you stand on your own?"

"I'll manage." He simply said, helping Kana to her feet.

Kurenai walked over to Kana and picked her up bridal style then followed her comrades out of the entrance of the underground bunker.

The team of shinobi headed straight for the Leaf village. If they wanted to help Kana then their priority was to get her to a hospital before she gave birth out here in the middle of nowhere.

Kurenai carried Kana through the trees, as Asuma lead the way back and Gai stayed close to Kakashi in case he collapsed from all of his wounds.

"What's the ETA for getting to the village?" Kurenai asked, her louder shouting over the wind rushing past her ears.

"Should be ten minutes." Asuma answered.

Kurenai looked down to Kana who had a grimace stuck to her face. "Do you think you can hold on long enough to get to the village?" She asked worryingly.

"I..I can try." The words struggled to just leave her lips. Would she actually be able to hold on for that long?

Kakashi, every few seconds, would look over at his beloved who was in such tremendous pain that she could barely talk. He was injured, however to him, his injuries seemed like nothing compared to what she was going through. She had been kidnapped, poisoned, and now she was about to have a baby.

What else was going to happen? He shouldn't ask.

Soon enough, they reached a clearing in the woods that was only five minutes from the village. Just passed this clearing and some trees, they would be home free. Or at least that's what they thought.

As they had all stepped onto the plain ground, a kunai was thrown right in front them.

The team stopped but only for a second when they realized what was contained on that kunai.

"Paper bomb!" Kakashi shouted causing his teammates to scatter away from the small explosion.

There was several seconds of calmness. Nothing but the breathing of the five ninja could be heard as the debris settled and the smoke cleared. When the smoke did clear, a man was revealed. Ketsu.

"Thought You Could Get Away From Me So Easily, Did You?" Ketsu asked, menacingly.

This was it. The endgame. The battle that the close five shinobi would either come out victorious or fall in defeat.

Which was it going to be?